It's Not Good Bye

I have been in Northfield, Massachusetts since May 22. This has been the longest I have been away from home (three plus months!). 

If someone were to ask me what was my favorite thing about camp this last summer, I wouldn't be able to give a quick answer. This has been such a wonderful, hard, busy, stretching, exciting experience as I worked at camp for the past few months.

When I arrived, I wasn't sure what to expect. I wasn't sure what I would be doing or who I'd be working with this time around. Every time I've worked at camp, there would be new faces on staff, more opportunities to make new friends. I can recall back in 2009 when I first stepped foot in the dining hall during staff week. My stomach dropped with the realization that I didn't know any one person that I was going to be working with that summer, save one staff member. It was a scary feeling, being pushed completely out of my comfort zone. However, it wasn't long before I started to make new lifetime friends who I cherish to this day.

Since then, I have grown so much as a person and grown in my walk in Christ, being constantly challenged by God through His Word. My first two summers (2009 and 2011) I served as a counselor. I love working with kids. At this camp, I worked with a wide spectrum of ages. It was challenging but worth every late night and early morning. It was worth seeing young girls make decisions of salvation or to commit their lives to their savior Jesus Christ. I can close my eyes and smile as images of different girls I've come into contact with over the years. It was neat for me this summer to see how some of them have grown since 2009!

This summer was different in many ways. Since I didn't have anything going on after graduating from college, I came out to camp about a month early so that I could be a help to the ministry. It was a different experience that I really enjoyed as I was able to get more hands-on office experience. I was able to do a wide variety of things which prepared me for what was ahead for the camp season. During the camp season, I was the director's assistant and head of girls counseling. However, my duties were not limited to these areas which was neat to be able to be used in whatever way was needed. I even had the privilege to counsel for a week! Through this experience, I definitely learned that I could always learn to be more flexible. I also learned how much a difference it could make when I'm not fully leaning on the Lord for strength.

Halfway through the summer, I decided to stay a bit longer after the camp season ends in order to help out for a little while longer. This entailed staying a week with the director's mother as he and his wife went on vacation. I had a blast hanging out with the Gramma. She is such a sweet woman who loves the Lord. We made quite a few memories that week! After their vacation was over, we all set to work to prepare for the final summer event which was this last weekend. It went really well, and it was nice to once again serve with other staff members who came up over the weekend.

Now, I am spending my last night at camp before I return to Iowa. Good byes are never easy. I had to say quite a few of them yesterday as staff left after work was done. It was Sunday morning when I was really struck with sad feeling you get when you know you have to leave a place you love. One of the hymns we sang was "The Family of God." Not that I didn't know it before, but I was really struck by the reality that these people I have been with the last three months and the staff I served with this last summer had really become family to me.

I am really excited to go home. I've missed home greatly, but I already know once I'm home, I'm going to be missing my other "home." For the last several years of my life, between college, camp, Germany, and every other place in between, I really haven't been able to call just one place home. If home is where the heart is, my home is definitely divided amongst several places. But, I don't think that's a bad thing.

In closing, I would really just have to state this: It's not good bye, New England area. It's "I'll see you later."

Cleaning Out the Junk

Ever get bored and decide, "Hey. I wonder what I'd find if I tried to google myself?"

I had this thought cross my mind the other day. And boy, I'm glad I did.

If you're around my age, then you may have this experience as well. Under the google search I rediscovered something I had put off dealing with for quite a while: the ghost myspace profile.

I used myspace before facebook had been around. And not only that, but I had used it with an e-mail address I don't use anymore. Thankfully, I was able to find a way to delete my old myspace profile.

However, that wasn't the worst thing I found. I had forgotten that I had a blog that existed before this one. And by blog... I mean online journal where I ranted quite a bit. Not only that, but my posts were all public! I was horrified as I read these posts. I was a younger, very selfish teenager who said very careless things that shouldn't be put on the Internet. Thankfully, I was able to delete this profile as well.

I can laugh now, thinking at my "angsty" and "me against the world" blog/journal. Happening upon that made me thankful for the salvation in Jesus Christ that I have. I am quite changed from the girl who   I was in high school, and I am SO thankful for it. This change in me? Totally not of myself but totally of God, Who continues to do a mighty work in me. I cringe to think of the girl who I used to be, who often lived by her emotions and always felt like everyone was against her. It is interesting to see how much I've changed.

Ever kept a journal? I did in high school. I "deleted" that too. I kept it with me through quite a bit of college, rereading my experiences, my emotions, the gains, the losses, etc. Whenever I felt nostalgic, I had picked up this journal, reading my thoughts written down on each page. Again, the person I was then was often torn, hurting, etc. It was interesting to see who I was before Christ changed my life, and how I slowly changed as I learned more about God and what the Bible said.It was a slow change, mind you. I struggled with so many things and never knew who to really turn to about my problems. God put a few people in my life, who I am still very thankful for, that tried to be there for me, teach me, point me to Christ. (After a time, I decided to throw that journal away. It was time to let go of a past that wasn't going to be my future. I had changed and that was that.) 

It wasn't until I attended a year of Bible college that I was able to really see past myself and understand what those people were truly trying to do for me. Lesson learned: Even if it looks like someone isn't responding to what you're saying, if you're trying to point them lovingly to Christ, don't give up! God's Word never returns void (Isaiah 55). God is so good!

Cleaning out the junk always feels so wonderful!

Who Am I?

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking lately (Pondering, reflecting, letting the thoughts roll around the ole brain pan, what have you). 

Lately, I’ve been trying to brush up my resume, make it look nice. I’ve written a couple cover letters. One of the things I struggle with most is describing myself. Whether it’s writing an “About Me” section or describing myself in 160 characters or less, I just flounder with my inadequacy in describing myself. When I ask myself the question, “Who am I?” I am often lost in thought for quite some time, trying to answer said question.

Admittedly, there were a few times this last year that I had a few metaphysical breakdowns. I somewhat chalk these up to stress, lack of sleep, and graduation jitters. Nonetheless, those times where I had felt so low, it was amazing to see how God brought me to my knees so that I would turn to Him in prayer. The truths Lamentations 3:22-23 became my prayer and God’s promise to me that I clung to whenever I was feeling overwhelmed with everything around me. 

Someone who is reading this post might be thinking, “Sonjia, you’re just rambling again, did you have a point to this?” Yes, yes I do have a point. 

My point is, I am in a point in time in my life where to describing who I am is really difficult. In order to really explain who I am, I think I really need to look back at who I’ve been, and how God has changed me. 

Therefore, I am going to do several posts about my thoughts about who I am. So here is the end of part 1, and hopefully I will put up more posts about who I've been, who I am, and who I hope to be. :)

Fireflies

I'm not a big fan of bugs. (Ironic, I know, that I name my blog the Ant Hill but my first blog post explains that). There are some bugs I do like, however, and the ones I like the most are fireflies. The way a whole bunch of them glow in the fields in the country side at night as you drive by is just fascinating, captivating.

As a little girl, I loved catching them. Every summer, I would gather them in a jar. Sometimes I would keep them, sometimes I would let them free after an hour or so, knowing that I really couldn't keep them.

With graduation come and gone, it makes one feel rather nostalgic. Lately, I've been looking at where I've been in life. When sifting through the memories, the people, the places, the amazement doesn't cease. I left high school with few people I could truly call friend. I lost friendships that I held dear to my heart and was hurt by the aftermath.

At the time, I wasn't sure if I could ever make lasting friendships. To this day, I am still only good friends with a few people from high school, and keep in touch with others when I can. People come in and out of your life for a reason. I don't think it's because you have to make room so others can take up the space left behind, but, rather, some people really are not meant to stay in your life. Just a flash of a fleeting firefly in the night.

Throughout college, I had met people from many different places and backgrounds. Each person has enriched my life, and God has taught me many different important things about life through these wonderful people. Will I ever see these people again? Maybe not. But that doesn't make them any less special to me.

Right now, I am still serving at Camp Northfield. After Labor Day, I will be returning home. What will be my life after that? I am not sure. What I do know is this: I will miss my New England friends and "family" and hope that someday, I will be able to come out this way again. As I live life back in Iowa, I will be able to renew old friendships and continue to make new ones.

I am so thankful and very blessed by the people God has put in my life, even for a short time.

Countdowns

17 days until my orals.

32 days until graduation.

33 days until I'm home again.

33+? days until I go to camp. (not sure when in May I'll be going).

Time is short yes?

A Constant Lesson Re-Learned

Over and over again, I amazed at how God works in my life. In my finiteness, I am unable to always detect God's hand in how He's teaching me, growing me, stretching me, and, often, breaking me. He does this as a Loving Father, shaping me, making me more like the image of His Son.

Whenever I trip, God proves His faithfulness. Whenever I backslide, God proves His loving mercy and tender-kindness. His love is always on display to me. Every breath I take, every new morning I wake, His love and mercy is a new experience all over again.

I wish I could tattoo these truths to my brain, lest I forget. God often confounds my human reasoning with His infinite wisdom. I don't pretend to understand His ways. I know I don't have to. I DO, however, know that I need  actively let go of my situations and give them over to God. That is a lesson I am often re-learning.

 "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit." 

2 Corinthians 3:18

Thoughts spilling out of the brain pan

Pretty much straight from break, I started my intership. It's been going well I think. Busy though. They like to give me many assorted tasks to do so I'm never really too bored. I'll chronicle my times as an intern at a later date.

Lately, I have been just feeling overwhelmed by many different emotions. Holiday time, as it has been for the last several years of my life, leaves me feeling very mixed emotions. I don't exactly have a close-knit family. And well... things happened this last year that I think has had a resounding effect on family relationships or... well... lack there of. I don't know. I feel pretty disconnected and unsure about everything.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe I need to start trusting and quit doubting. I have to admit... right now, it's become really hard for me to trust. I'm having a hard time gaining any perspective on the picture of things right now. I'm sure a year from now, this part of the picture will make more sense because my perspective will have shifted.

But from where I'm standing right now, it's really hard to see anything clearly.