Cleaning Out the Junk

Ever get bored and decide, "Hey. I wonder what I'd find if I tried to google myself?"

I had this thought cross my mind the other day. And boy, I'm glad I did.

If you're around my age, then you may have this experience as well. Under the google search I rediscovered something I had put off dealing with for quite a while: the ghost myspace profile.

I used myspace before facebook had been around. And not only that, but I had used it with an e-mail address I don't use anymore. Thankfully, I was able to find a way to delete my old myspace profile.

However, that wasn't the worst thing I found. I had forgotten that I had a blog that existed before this one. And by blog... I mean online journal where I ranted quite a bit. Not only that, but my posts were all public! I was horrified as I read these posts. I was a younger, very selfish teenager who said very careless things that shouldn't be put on the Internet. Thankfully, I was able to delete this profile as well.

I can laugh now, thinking at my "angsty" and "me against the world" blog/journal. Happening upon that made me thankful for the salvation in Jesus Christ that I have. I am quite changed from the girl who   I was in high school, and I am SO thankful for it. This change in me? Totally not of myself but totally of God, Who continues to do a mighty work in me. I cringe to think of the girl who I used to be, who often lived by her emotions and always felt like everyone was against her. It is interesting to see how much I've changed.

Ever kept a journal? I did in high school. I "deleted" that too. I kept it with me through quite a bit of college, rereading my experiences, my emotions, the gains, the losses, etc. Whenever I felt nostalgic, I had picked up this journal, reading my thoughts written down on each page. Again, the person I was then was often torn, hurting, etc. It was interesting to see who I was before Christ changed my life, and how I slowly changed as I learned more about God and what the Bible said.It was a slow change, mind you. I struggled with so many things and never knew who to really turn to about my problems. God put a few people in my life, who I am still very thankful for, that tried to be there for me, teach me, point me to Christ. (After a time, I decided to throw that journal away. It was time to let go of a past that wasn't going to be my future. I had changed and that was that.) 

It wasn't until I attended a year of Bible college that I was able to really see past myself and understand what those people were truly trying to do for me. Lesson learned: Even if it looks like someone isn't responding to what you're saying, if you're trying to point them lovingly to Christ, don't give up! God's Word never returns void (Isaiah 55). God is so good!

Cleaning out the junk always feels so wonderful!

Who Am I?

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking lately (Pondering, reflecting, letting the thoughts roll around the ole brain pan, what have you). 

Lately, I’ve been trying to brush up my resume, make it look nice. I’ve written a couple cover letters. One of the things I struggle with most is describing myself. Whether it’s writing an “About Me” section or describing myself in 160 characters or less, I just flounder with my inadequacy in describing myself. When I ask myself the question, “Who am I?” I am often lost in thought for quite some time, trying to answer said question.

Admittedly, there were a few times this last year that I had a few metaphysical breakdowns. I somewhat chalk these up to stress, lack of sleep, and graduation jitters. Nonetheless, those times where I had felt so low, it was amazing to see how God brought me to my knees so that I would turn to Him in prayer. The truths Lamentations 3:22-23 became my prayer and God’s promise to me that I clung to whenever I was feeling overwhelmed with everything around me. 

Someone who is reading this post might be thinking, “Sonjia, you’re just rambling again, did you have a point to this?” Yes, yes I do have a point. 

My point is, I am in a point in time in my life where to describing who I am is really difficult. In order to really explain who I am, I think I really need to look back at who I’ve been, and how God has changed me. 

Therefore, I am going to do several posts about my thoughts about who I am. So here is the end of part 1, and hopefully I will put up more posts about who I've been, who I am, and who I hope to be. :)

Fireflies

I'm not a big fan of bugs. (Ironic, I know, that I name my blog the Ant Hill but my first blog post explains that). There are some bugs I do like, however, and the ones I like the most are fireflies. The way a whole bunch of them glow in the fields in the country side at night as you drive by is just fascinating, captivating.

As a little girl, I loved catching them. Every summer, I would gather them in a jar. Sometimes I would keep them, sometimes I would let them free after an hour or so, knowing that I really couldn't keep them.

With graduation come and gone, it makes one feel rather nostalgic. Lately, I've been looking at where I've been in life. When sifting through the memories, the people, the places, the amazement doesn't cease. I left high school with few people I could truly call friend. I lost friendships that I held dear to my heart and was hurt by the aftermath.

At the time, I wasn't sure if I could ever make lasting friendships. To this day, I am still only good friends with a few people from high school, and keep in touch with others when I can. People come in and out of your life for a reason. I don't think it's because you have to make room so others can take up the space left behind, but, rather, some people really are not meant to stay in your life. Just a flash of a fleeting firefly in the night.

Throughout college, I had met people from many different places and backgrounds. Each person has enriched my life, and God has taught me many different important things about life through these wonderful people. Will I ever see these people again? Maybe not. But that doesn't make them any less special to me.

Right now, I am still serving at Camp Northfield. After Labor Day, I will be returning home. What will be my life after that? I am not sure. What I do know is this: I will miss my New England friends and "family" and hope that someday, I will be able to come out this way again. As I live life back in Iowa, I will be able to renew old friendships and continue to make new ones.

I am so thankful and very blessed by the people God has put in my life, even for a short time.